Sandra Passarello is Leo Institute’s past participant and a Leo coach in italy. She was born in Italy, in a border region where she made experiences with diverse cultural weaves and where she started her research and development path, mostly through poetry and performing arts. After she attended the seminar she had a lot of discoveries that had an impact on her life and she decided to become a Leo coach.
She is sharing her experience with Leo methodology.
My experience with Leo methodology has allowed me to clearly identify my defence mechanisms and the fears they obey, and consequently to be able to adjust my perception and change my reactive state.
FEARS
A first clear example of how my system works is related to one of my main fears, the fear of being judged stupid, which implies that whenever I fail to quickly understand something, I feel in danger and have to protect myself. Even more, all it takes is for a person to say “you don’t understand”, or “I’ll explain”, and my system instantly reacts by thinking “How dare you, I understood very well”, or “What do you think, that I’m stupid? Rude!”.
Now, since I can see this mechanism, most of the time I can laugh at myself or look at myself with tenderness. Furthermore, when we argue with my husband, we are able to see how in our speaking we stimulate our masks and our fears and then we laugh, and what could have led to a heated or painful discussion is dissolved very quickly.
Another important example for me is linked to the idea that others will treat me badly or rudely or without considering my value; this often blocks me even before something happens, preventing me from acting naturally according to my wishes.
If I have to call an office to propose one of my projects or one of my performances, I stall, never finding the right time to do the call, invariably finding a plausible excuse not to call, postponing the thing. Now I can see that I do this because of the fear of being treated with condescension or with contempt, with the consequence of stopping myself from acting.
When this happens to me, now I say “Well? Even if they treated you badly or rudely, what could happen to you?” or “Even if they thought you were undeserving, what could possibly happen to you?”, it would be them being insensitive or rude, not you. And every time, when I finally decide to make the call anyway, a very kind person answers me!
CORE BELIEFS
The previous examples are perhaps linked to fears caused by superficial wounds, but I have a much deeper wound related to my right to exist and to live. When someone stifles or dampens my enthusiasm, I feel boiling inside, I get totally mad, sometimes to the point of bursting into tears. Why? Because I feel my life is in danger at that moment and I really experience a kind of suffocation, as if I were crushed, even if the other person has perhaps only expressed a fear or an opinion.
Now that I know, when it happens I need some time to listen to myself and understand what is happening to me. I can’t always change my reactive state on the spot, but with Leo methodology I can always see that the other person’s part is irrelevant in proportion to my strong reaction. Being able to see it helps me understand, transform, not judge the other person with anger, and heal my emotional state in a shorter time.
It can happen that I relapse into that reaction, because it is very deep and recalls an equally intense pain, but this methodology has really given me the opportunity to reconsider my relationships and to better acknowledge my behaviours, consequently accepting the other person as well. The map that I have been able to draw thanks to Leo’s teachings is a precious gift I can always carry with me, like an essential tool which can be enriched as I understand and integrate the lessons learned.
SUPPORT SYSTEM
In order to apply Leo’s methodology, a support system can sometimes be indispensable. At first the idea may seem tiring or strange, but it can actually greatly strengthen your creative actions.
I personally found the system very useful and effective. I even had two helpers/supports; with the first one, my husband, I would establish the weekly plan to be implemented and with the second one, a friend of mine, I would make checks and reminders.
For example, if with Giulio I would establish that on Wednesday and Friday I would make specific phone calls to promote my work, on Wednesday morning and Friday evening my friend Rosita would call me to remind me to call and then to find out if I had done it.
The important thing is that it’s you deciding what role to give to your helper. If you are afraid of experiencing their support like an intrusion into your life, you can find the right dose and mode that you are able to accept and then, once you have verified that it can work, you can push it a little further perhaps.
You start with the awareness that people are available to help you, because they love you and your success is a joy for them too.
